What a difference a year makes

When I stop to reflect on my life now, it is hard for me to believe I am the same person that started 2011 ready to stop fighting and just give up as it seemed no matter what I did, the depression and feeling of being overwhelmed and drowning just never got better.  It started in 2007 when my oldest brother died and though it got better from time to time, I never really dealt with all the hurt and let go of the anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that was killing me from the inside out.  I was a mess and ready to give up on some relationships because it just seemed easier than trying to fix them or working through the pain.  I was hurt, I was mad, angry and at times felt like no one cared, but really they did, they just did not know how to help me because I did not know what I needed.  By March of 2011 I could not take anymore.  I finally made an appointment to get some help and went to talk to my pastor, the smartest thing I did.  At first I was not sure how much it would help as there was a part of me who often wondered if God mattered anymore or even cared.  I learned that evening that I could not be more wrong.  God always cares even when we can not feel His love, He is always there for us.  That night as our new pastor shared things with me that I knew only God could have shown him as he had not had enough time to get to know me that well yet.  He let me know that it is not selfish for us to put ourselves first sometimes and that we need to be sure to take care of ourselves, or how can we possibly think we can help others or be there for them.  After that meeting I then found a wonderful lady in my church to begin to meet with and talk and begin to walk through the mess that had been the baggage I had been caring for 30 some years and just kept getting heavier.  It was amazing to me how when I looked at things that I had experienced through someone elses eyes, there was a different side to things and perhaps people did not mean the hurt I thought, or even know how much they had hurt me.  Of course when I got hurt I never told anyone or did anything to make it better, I always just stuffed it deep in me to rise up every time in the future I was hurt again.  I had carried some hurts since I was a child and still had not forgiven or forgotten them.  It was amazing as I sit down one night to write a letter to the  person in my life I had felt had hurt me most and let me down most even though they probably had no idea.  I wrote down each thing I was hurt by and angry over and said I forgive them for it.  The tears flowed that day like never before and I began to feel a burden be lifted.  I realized that the other person could not fix the problem because I had never let them know there was one and that I had to forgive and let the hurt go, before God could heal me.  It is amazing how last March I was ready to possibly no longer have a relationship with this person but now in just 10 months, God has healed my broken heart, showed me a different side of the person and the situations and helped me to forgive and try again.  I now enjoy spending time with this person and can say I love them very much and am glad God knows best how to fix things in our lives, even if we don't understand or like it at first.  I have not enjoyed all the years of hurt, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and rage I have carried, it has hurt me, it has hurt others around me and has affected how I look at and trust others, but all those years of mess, God can make better in just a few months.  I am now a new person and the burden has been lifted, I feel I have my joy back and that I can love others more honestly now.  I no longer live my life to please others, I live my life to please God and to do what I feel is best for me and that He is telling me to do.  Yes I have changed and not everyone likes the new changes, but I am true to me and my feelings now and honest with others and feel I can receive and give love more freely.  This amazing emotionally healing God did, is what allowed me to have the faith and courage to do what needed to be done to save my life and get me physically healthy again, I could never have done this with out the emotionally healing first.  As 2012 started I am looking forward to the doors God is opening for me to serve Him and help others and ways I can share His love with others and show them how much God loves us because He will always be there for us and loves us enough to do what is best for us even if it is not the easy way.  I know that as I face each day now it will be ok

Moving Forward

Well 2011 has ended and it is time to move forward into a new year full of new changes, new adventures, new goals and new accomplishments, but first let's review some of the great things that happened last year.  Last year started out rather dark and dismal for me, I was physically unhealthy, with a lot of sickness and seemed to be spending more and more time at the doctor and laid up.  I was at an age where it was going to be the beginning of more major health issues if I did not make some changes, I was also at a point where emotionally I just felt like I was drowning and could not go on one more day.  I was so depressed and did not care and so tired of trying to be the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  Spiritually I was not growing, I was becoming stagnant and started to question just what my faith and God meant to me, which if you know me is not normal for me to think.  Then God started doing great things.  I meet with the pastor at church and another lady, who has become a great friend and started talking about the issues that were causing my emotionally downness.  I started making changes and dealing with these issues and God did some amazing healing.  From March of last year to December were amazing changes, I let go of unforgiveness, quit trying to please others all the time, learned to put myself first sometimes and changed how I look at things and especially how I look at me.  God healed several relationships that were on the verge of being over and are now much better.  I learned to share how I feel with those that matter most to me because keeping things all bottled up are not healthy.  I learned it is ok to be who God made me to be even if that makes me quite different, in fact that is who God expects me to be and when I am that person I am very happy.  Emotionally 2011 went out on a high note and I am looking forward to seeing what 2012 holds for me in this area and for ways to use what I have learned to help others in 2012.  Physically, I was faced with a big decision, it was time to do something about my weight as it was taking a toll on my body and I felt killing me slowly day by day.  Now don't hear me wrong, I am not saying that is the case for all people who are overweight and I strongly feel that each persons battle with their weight is their own and people can support them but not force them to make changes and that people should never treat them badly because of it, being overweight is a tough battle to fight daily and I love and support any person going through that tough fight and hope that my story can possibly be a inspiration to them.  My doctor thought I was having a heart attack in April of 2011, I could not breathe and had chest pains often, we checked my heart out and all tests said things were good, but with the bad heart family history, my doctor said it was only a matter of time most likely especially with my other health issues until, I faced the same problem.  So with the help and support of my lovely family and close friends and my prayer warrior friends, I decided to pursue a major drastic change and started the journey to weight loss through bariatric surgery.  In the last three months of 2011 I have lost 99 pounds since surgery for a total of 126 since I started this journey.  I have gone down 2 sizes and best of all I feel so much better and am so much healthier than I was before.  Spriritually God started challenging me to grown the last few months and I am working on starting some new routines and disciplines to help me with this in 2012.  I want to be more positive and less negative, more loving, more helpful and share with others all God has done for me so that they will see He can do that for them to.  I look forward to the many adventures, changes and opportunities God brings my way in 2012.  One last thought, many of you may have realized that I channged the blog title, some people suggested I needed to so I could share about all my life changes not just my over weight life and I agree, I hope that maybe my journey can be a help and inspiration to others.  God bless you all in 2012.