What a difference a year makes

When I stop to reflect on my life now, it is hard for me to believe I am the same person that started 2011 ready to stop fighting and just give up as it seemed no matter what I did, the depression and feeling of being overwhelmed and drowning just never got better.  It started in 2007 when my oldest brother died and though it got better from time to time, I never really dealt with all the hurt and let go of the anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that was killing me from the inside out.  I was a mess and ready to give up on some relationships because it just seemed easier than trying to fix them or working through the pain.  I was hurt, I was mad, angry and at times felt like no one cared, but really they did, they just did not know how to help me because I did not know what I needed.  By March of 2011 I could not take anymore.  I finally made an appointment to get some help and went to talk to my pastor, the smartest thing I did.  At first I was not sure how much it would help as there was a part of me who often wondered if God mattered anymore or even cared.  I learned that evening that I could not be more wrong.  God always cares even when we can not feel His love, He is always there for us.  That night as our new pastor shared things with me that I knew only God could have shown him as he had not had enough time to get to know me that well yet.  He let me know that it is not selfish for us to put ourselves first sometimes and that we need to be sure to take care of ourselves, or how can we possibly think we can help others or be there for them.  After that meeting I then found a wonderful lady in my church to begin to meet with and talk and begin to walk through the mess that had been the baggage I had been caring for 30 some years and just kept getting heavier.  It was amazing to me how when I looked at things that I had experienced through someone elses eyes, there was a different side to things and perhaps people did not mean the hurt I thought, or even know how much they had hurt me.  Of course when I got hurt I never told anyone or did anything to make it better, I always just stuffed it deep in me to rise up every time in the future I was hurt again.  I had carried some hurts since I was a child and still had not forgiven or forgotten them.  It was amazing as I sit down one night to write a letter to the  person in my life I had felt had hurt me most and let me down most even though they probably had no idea.  I wrote down each thing I was hurt by and angry over and said I forgive them for it.  The tears flowed that day like never before and I began to feel a burden be lifted.  I realized that the other person could not fix the problem because I had never let them know there was one and that I had to forgive and let the hurt go, before God could heal me.  It is amazing how last March I was ready to possibly no longer have a relationship with this person but now in just 10 months, God has healed my broken heart, showed me a different side of the person and the situations and helped me to forgive and try again.  I now enjoy spending time with this person and can say I love them very much and am glad God knows best how to fix things in our lives, even if we don't understand or like it at first.  I have not enjoyed all the years of hurt, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and rage I have carried, it has hurt me, it has hurt others around me and has affected how I look at and trust others, but all those years of mess, God can make better in just a few months.  I am now a new person and the burden has been lifted, I feel I have my joy back and that I can love others more honestly now.  I no longer live my life to please others, I live my life to please God and to do what I feel is best for me and that He is telling me to do.  Yes I have changed and not everyone likes the new changes, but I am true to me and my feelings now and honest with others and feel I can receive and give love more freely.  This amazing emotionally healing God did, is what allowed me to have the faith and courage to do what needed to be done to save my life and get me physically healthy again, I could never have done this with out the emotionally healing first.  As 2012 started I am looking forward to the doors God is opening for me to serve Him and help others and ways I can share His love with others and show them how much God loves us because He will always be there for us and loves us enough to do what is best for us even if it is not the easy way.  I know that as I face each day now it will be ok