Forgivness is Freedom

Things in this blog will surprise many of you.  I have been one to keep my inner troubles and struggles to myself much of the last 25 years while putting on a front that everything was fine.  I believe it is time to finally open up and share my struggles and my story in case there might just be someone out there who will be helped by it and so that hopefully people will understand me better.  It pretty much started in high school, for some reason I was convinced I was not good enough, I was a failure who did everything wrong, everything was my fault if I was anywhere near it happening and I truly hated myself and could not understand why anyone would like me, several times I thought about killing myself and once even tried.  I have no idea why I felt this way, I had a very loving family and supportive friends.  I know I held myself to a standard higher than most people would and often thought if I did not achieve perfection than I fell short.  After this all started the whole mess of my life just sort of snowballed.  During my high school years and early 20’s people did and said things that were very hurtful to me, most probably had no idea how these actions or comments made me feel but I none the less took them personal and beat myself up because of them and developed unforgiveness and grudges toward these people that just kept being fueled  by more and more disappointment over the years.  I tried to find ways to cover the pain I was feeling deep inside that no one knew about so therefore could not help me with.  People may wonder why I did not talk to family or friends about such thing, one I have always been a very private person and thought if I mentioned I needed help then that would make me a weak person, two I did not think it would be good to tell my family or close friends I felt like killing myself as that so often leaves them thinking what did I do wrong, how could I miss the signs, where have I failed this person.  In finding ways to cover the pain I was feeling inside I made some decisions that were not wise and did some things I never thought I would.  I turned to smoking, drinking, food all of which were just bad for my health and really did not help the pain, they just became addictions I had to overcome, which with God’s help I eventually did.  I also turned to bad relationships, finding myself taken with a man who paid attention to me thinking it would be a good thing, but it turned into another poor choice that caused a lot of emotional pain for me and took a long time to get over.  Eventually I started shutting myself off from the outside world, by this point I was living alone in an apartment and found there were plenty of friends and men on the computer who would like me, but really they did not even know me, they only knew the me I was being that night.  I found I could get lost in being a different person each night and make up things and pretending that my life was different from what it really was.  I would stay home alone as much as I could without making people think there was something wrong and interact with my friends online, not a healthy way to live at all.  I found one thing to be true, when you make bad choices, there are always consequences and when you toy with sin, it will suck you in and take you farther than you ever wanted to go.  I found myself acting in ways I never thought I would and doing things I never wanted to.  I put myself in danger a couple of times with the men I hooked up with and could have been physically hurt or worse, but thankfully God was watching out for me and friends and family who did know what was going on were not willing to let me go.  I felt all alone and thought no one cared and that I really did not matter, life would be better for others if I was just gone, but I now know that was a lie from the devil and not true at all.  I tell you all this to get to the best part of the story, about 12 years ago I finally started reaching out.  I asked God for help and He sent an army, was it easy no but it has been a learning journey with a happy ending.  The last 12 years through classes I took at church, retreats I went to, many Godly women who spent hours, sometimes into the wee hours, talking with me, helping me see the truth and praying for me, two awesome senior pastors and many other pastors on staff, great friends who were willing to love me even when I thought I was unlovable, a few mentors God put in my life, some really great co workers and the love of my family, I fought through this, it was tough as I had made a hole for myself to dig out of, created strongholds and addictions that were taking over my life.  The awesome thing is God never gave up on me, for 25 years I attended church, fought hard to do what was right most of the time and tried to be a Christian even though at times it was harder then it appeared to most looking at my life.  There was stress, turmoil, grief, anger, depression, bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, feelings of failure and much more going on, but God loved me and kept sending me help and answering prayers. 

So to wrap this all up, God conquered my addictions one by one, I stopped smoking, stopped drinking, eventually overcame my stress and emotional eating .  God showed me that I was somebody and I mattered and I was not a failure but that I was His precious baby girl and He loved me so much.  I began to reach out to others, to develop and re connect with relationships, I turned from the lies of the computer relationships and stopped trying to be someone I was not and started being the person God created me to be.  I was able to overcome depression, anger, hatred, grief, shame, guilt and much more.  There was after this process one thing that remained that seemed to be the root of it all and that was unforgiveness, I was holding onto it.  I had to forgive family members who hurt me that probably did not even know they did, I had to forgive friends who let me down over the years and re-establish some friendships, I had to forgive myself for hating me and feeling like a failure and being so hard on myself for all those years.  I also had to forgive God because you see there were a couple of things in my life that happened that I could not understand why God let happen.  First was when my niece Jessica died at just 6 weeks old, I could not understand why God would let such a little precious one die, why He would take her home to be with him before my brother, her father ever even got to see her, why what had brought us so much joy had to be taken from us and leave a whole in our heart.  Then there was my very special aunt’s death.  She got  cancer, fought and battled but no matter how much I prayed she still died, I was mad at God, I thought with all the prayers going up for her, she should have gotten the miracle we were hoping for, at times it made me feel like I was not a good enough Christian or my prayers would have been answered.  I learned she did get her miracle, she got to go home to be with Jesus, and that it was not my prayers or anything I could do that would save her or not, the power came from God and He does not always answer the way we want Him to.  Now the best part of all this, has been the last year, I finally started last March to let go of all that unforgiveness and since I have given it up, God has done a miracle in my life.  I am the happiest I have ever been, the healthiest I have been in a long time, I have a peace I have not known for many years if ever, I am more confident of who I am (although this is still a work in progress), I love me and life and I know now that taking my life is never an option and that God always makes a way out of the tough spots in our lives if we just trust Him.  I know this change is true as others have seen and noticed the difference in me and all the glory goes to God.  I did my part and He did a miracle in turning things around.  So Forgiveness was the key to my freedom.  I am free now to live life that way it was meant to be and I hope my messes, will be messages of hope to others and that my story can encourage others that there is always a way out and hope if you cling to and trust in God.  I have made mistakes, many in fact, did things that were wrong, said things that were wrong, had to repent and ask forgiveness  for sins I committed, but God made me whole again.  I know there are not a lot of details as to each struggle I endured and came through, if you are struggling and need someone to talk I will be here to listen and help any way I can and can share more then, I did not think Satan needed any glory nor did everyone need to hear all the details.  One thing I do want to say to anyone reading this who may be thinking they do not matter and others would be better off without them and that killing themselves is the only option, that is a lie from the pit of hell, we all matter, matter so much God sent his only son to die on the cross for us and you are special to Him and that there are people who will love you and probably already do love you, do not give in to that, but reach out for help, if you do not know where else to go, contact me and I will help or find someone who can help you, because everyone of us are special and matter.  I know this is long, but I feel it will help someone out there and I want all to know I am here to help in any way I can and so are others, whatever you may be struggling with, reach out, seek help and God will set you free, it may be a long journey but He will be sure you are never alone on the path.