Forgivness is Freedom

Things in this blog will surprise many of you.  I have been one to keep my inner troubles and struggles to myself much of the last 25 years while putting on a front that everything was fine.  I believe it is time to finally open up and share my struggles and my story in case there might just be someone out there who will be helped by it and so that hopefully people will understand me better.  It pretty much started in high school, for some reason I was convinced I was not good enough, I was a failure who did everything wrong, everything was my fault if I was anywhere near it happening and I truly hated myself and could not understand why anyone would like me, several times I thought about killing myself and once even tried.  I have no idea why I felt this way, I had a very loving family and supportive friends.  I know I held myself to a standard higher than most people would and often thought if I did not achieve perfection than I fell short.  After this all started the whole mess of my life just sort of snowballed.  During my high school years and early 20’s people did and said things that were very hurtful to me, most probably had no idea how these actions or comments made me feel but I none the less took them personal and beat myself up because of them and developed unforgiveness and grudges toward these people that just kept being fueled  by more and more disappointment over the years.  I tried to find ways to cover the pain I was feeling deep inside that no one knew about so therefore could not help me with.  People may wonder why I did not talk to family or friends about such thing, one I have always been a very private person and thought if I mentioned I needed help then that would make me a weak person, two I did not think it would be good to tell my family or close friends I felt like killing myself as that so often leaves them thinking what did I do wrong, how could I miss the signs, where have I failed this person.  In finding ways to cover the pain I was feeling inside I made some decisions that were not wise and did some things I never thought I would.  I turned to smoking, drinking, food all of which were just bad for my health and really did not help the pain, they just became addictions I had to overcome, which with God’s help I eventually did.  I also turned to bad relationships, finding myself taken with a man who paid attention to me thinking it would be a good thing, but it turned into another poor choice that caused a lot of emotional pain for me and took a long time to get over.  Eventually I started shutting myself off from the outside world, by this point I was living alone in an apartment and found there were plenty of friends and men on the computer who would like me, but really they did not even know me, they only knew the me I was being that night.  I found I could get lost in being a different person each night and make up things and pretending that my life was different from what it really was.  I would stay home alone as much as I could without making people think there was something wrong and interact with my friends online, not a healthy way to live at all.  I found one thing to be true, when you make bad choices, there are always consequences and when you toy with sin, it will suck you in and take you farther than you ever wanted to go.  I found myself acting in ways I never thought I would and doing things I never wanted to.  I put myself in danger a couple of times with the men I hooked up with and could have been physically hurt or worse, but thankfully God was watching out for me and friends and family who did know what was going on were not willing to let me go.  I felt all alone and thought no one cared and that I really did not matter, life would be better for others if I was just gone, but I now know that was a lie from the devil and not true at all.  I tell you all this to get to the best part of the story, about 12 years ago I finally started reaching out.  I asked God for help and He sent an army, was it easy no but it has been a learning journey with a happy ending.  The last 12 years through classes I took at church, retreats I went to, many Godly women who spent hours, sometimes into the wee hours, talking with me, helping me see the truth and praying for me, two awesome senior pastors and many other pastors on staff, great friends who were willing to love me even when I thought I was unlovable, a few mentors God put in my life, some really great co workers and the love of my family, I fought through this, it was tough as I had made a hole for myself to dig out of, created strongholds and addictions that were taking over my life.  The awesome thing is God never gave up on me, for 25 years I attended church, fought hard to do what was right most of the time and tried to be a Christian even though at times it was harder then it appeared to most looking at my life.  There was stress, turmoil, grief, anger, depression, bitterness, unforgiveness, hatred, feelings of failure and much more going on, but God loved me and kept sending me help and answering prayers. 

So to wrap this all up, God conquered my addictions one by one, I stopped smoking, stopped drinking, eventually overcame my stress and emotional eating .  God showed me that I was somebody and I mattered and I was not a failure but that I was His precious baby girl and He loved me so much.  I began to reach out to others, to develop and re connect with relationships, I turned from the lies of the computer relationships and stopped trying to be someone I was not and started being the person God created me to be.  I was able to overcome depression, anger, hatred, grief, shame, guilt and much more.  There was after this process one thing that remained that seemed to be the root of it all and that was unforgiveness, I was holding onto it.  I had to forgive family members who hurt me that probably did not even know they did, I had to forgive friends who let me down over the years and re-establish some friendships, I had to forgive myself for hating me and feeling like a failure and being so hard on myself for all those years.  I also had to forgive God because you see there were a couple of things in my life that happened that I could not understand why God let happen.  First was when my niece Jessica died at just 6 weeks old, I could not understand why God would let such a little precious one die, why He would take her home to be with him before my brother, her father ever even got to see her, why what had brought us so much joy had to be taken from us and leave a whole in our heart.  Then there was my very special aunt’s death.  She got  cancer, fought and battled but no matter how much I prayed she still died, I was mad at God, I thought with all the prayers going up for her, she should have gotten the miracle we were hoping for, at times it made me feel like I was not a good enough Christian or my prayers would have been answered.  I learned she did get her miracle, she got to go home to be with Jesus, and that it was not my prayers or anything I could do that would save her or not, the power came from God and He does not always answer the way we want Him to.  Now the best part of all this, has been the last year, I finally started last March to let go of all that unforgiveness and since I have given it up, God has done a miracle in my life.  I am the happiest I have ever been, the healthiest I have been in a long time, I have a peace I have not known for many years if ever, I am more confident of who I am (although this is still a work in progress), I love me and life and I know now that taking my life is never an option and that God always makes a way out of the tough spots in our lives if we just trust Him.  I know this change is true as others have seen and noticed the difference in me and all the glory goes to God.  I did my part and He did a miracle in turning things around.  So Forgiveness was the key to my freedom.  I am free now to live life that way it was meant to be and I hope my messes, will be messages of hope to others and that my story can encourage others that there is always a way out and hope if you cling to and trust in God.  I have made mistakes, many in fact, did things that were wrong, said things that were wrong, had to repent and ask forgiveness  for sins I committed, but God made me whole again.  I know there are not a lot of details as to each struggle I endured and came through, if you are struggling and need someone to talk I will be here to listen and help any way I can and can share more then, I did not think Satan needed any glory nor did everyone need to hear all the details.  One thing I do want to say to anyone reading this who may be thinking they do not matter and others would be better off without them and that killing themselves is the only option, that is a lie from the pit of hell, we all matter, matter so much God sent his only son to die on the cross for us and you are special to Him and that there are people who will love you and probably already do love you, do not give in to that, but reach out for help, if you do not know where else to go, contact me and I will help or find someone who can help you, because everyone of us are special and matter.  I know this is long, but I feel it will help someone out there and I want all to know I am here to help in any way I can and so are others, whatever you may be struggling with, reach out, seek help and God will set you free, it may be a long journey but He will be sure you are never alone on the path.

Simple Facts

Why does it seem to take us so long to comprehend the simple facts and make the changes needed to help us?  The simple fact I am talking about is the one that says if we want to be healthier we most likely need to move more and eat less, not really hard to understand but for me it took forever.  Seems that by the time I was finally ready to grab a hold of this simple fact and realize how true it was my body was in such bad shape that it was not longer a simple thing to do, it seemed my body fought against me as it was hard to move and so often I just felt tired and bad.  I did however finally get a hold of this fact and start to do what I could.  I walked when I could as far as I could, I continued to play volleyball and work and to do all the house work and yard work I could.  Now to some people they would think that is not a lot, but trust me when you are 450 pounds and have severe swelling in your legs and other health complications, just walking from your car to the door is a lot.  However as I learned if I would do the little I could each day and then try to add to it little by little, it was amazing how soon I could do more.  Nine months ago to walk a few blocks was a struggle especially with out many breaks, to walk for 15 minutes without stopping was hard and to walk with anyone was difficult as I walked so slow, stairs were to be avoided at all costs and simple things like mowing the yard and shoveling snow presented a challenge.  Now I can walk 1.5 to 2 miles without stopping, walk for an hour with no breaks, keep pace with friends and family as we walk together, I take the stairs as often as i can and shoveling snow has been no trouble and I am looking forward to yard work this summer.  Now I realize that my progress has been on the fast track because of having bariatric surgery, but some progress was made even before the surgery.  It is not easy and it is a discipline we have to make ourselves do but it can be done.  If you are unhappy with the way your health is and it seems to be caused or hindered from being overweight then may I challenge you to begin to do whatever you can and have to so as to change that.  I realize not everyone can afford or have the surgery to lose weight but we all can do little things.  If you can walk for 5 minutes then do it every day for a few weeks then try to bump it up to 10 minutes and so on till you get to where walking is no problem.  If you are like I use to be and like to eat two sandwiches or a whole pizza or maybe four tacos, then cut down to one sandwich, half a pizza or two tacos and keep cutting little by little until you are eating healthier amounts.  If you like mostly sweets and carbs try to cut back on them and add some fruit and veggies.   We can all do something little by little.  I truly believe you will find if you do a little more each day and eat a little less, set goals for yourself, push yourself and surround yourself with a great support system, you will find you can begin to reverse the tidal wave of poor health that may be overtaking you.  Perhaps some of you will find yourself in the place I did where you have to take more drastic action (such as surgery) to get things started, then I suggest you start finding out what you can do to make it happen because your health and your life are worth it.  Don't do it for anyone else but you, yes it will benefit others but the main thing is to improve your life.  If you find you don't have family or friends to be a support system, then please feel free to contact me and I will be a support person for you as I know how awesome it is to get your life back and be able to do the simple things in life that so many people take for granted and so many obese people can not do.  I will never condemn you or put you down as I know all too well how hard of a struggle it is and how depressing it can be but I would like to encourage and inspire anyone I can to try to make the necessary changes to take your life back.  If you put your mind to it, do what you can, lean on those who will support you, ignore those who don't care or understand and trust in God I believe you can do anything.

Every Mountain Has A Valley On The Other Side

Things have been going so good lately for me that when I hit a bump in the road this past week I found myself complaining to God that things had been good and I did not like this feeling again of depression and being overwhelmed.  Well as I was walking that day letting God know what I thought about all this junk going on, He gave me a good message and I thought maybe some others could use it too, so let me share it.

Let me start off by saying that last January and February I was so overwhelmed with depression and feelings of failure that I thought I would drown in it all.  God told me that at that point I was so low there were only two choices, going up out of the pit or drowning in it, so with the help He gave me and through the journey He took me on I climbed out of that pit and have been on a uphill climb since.  Things have been great, seeing improvements, feeling better, feeling the burden lift.  You could say life was pretty grand so that is why I was frustrated now.  As God showed me I had been in the valley and with His help climbed up the next mountain and was on the mountain top for awhile but once you get to the other side of the mountain there is always another valley, so my choices were to stay on top of the mountain and not grow anymore or to go through the next valley with Him and trust that He would grow me and show me something good out of it.  Wow, what a truth that was.  At that point I realized a very important thing, since I had recommitted my whole life back to God last March and asked him to lead me and said that I would follow, the one thing I know for sure is that no matter what valley I have to face or roadblock life throws me or bump in the road I may hit God will be there with me walking each step of the way and helping me along and in fact at times when it gets too hard for me, He picks me up and carries me.  Valleys are not so bad if we don't walk through them alone, I hope you take God along with you as you face your valleys.

What a difference a year makes

When I stop to reflect on my life now, it is hard for me to believe I am the same person that started 2011 ready to stop fighting and just give up as it seemed no matter what I did, the depression and feeling of being overwhelmed and drowning just never got better.  It started in 2007 when my oldest brother died and though it got better from time to time, I never really dealt with all the hurt and let go of the anger, bitterness and unforgiveness that was killing me from the inside out.  I was a mess and ready to give up on some relationships because it just seemed easier than trying to fix them or working through the pain.  I was hurt, I was mad, angry and at times felt like no one cared, but really they did, they just did not know how to help me because I did not know what I needed.  By March of 2011 I could not take anymore.  I finally made an appointment to get some help and went to talk to my pastor, the smartest thing I did.  At first I was not sure how much it would help as there was a part of me who often wondered if God mattered anymore or even cared.  I learned that evening that I could not be more wrong.  God always cares even when we can not feel His love, He is always there for us.  That night as our new pastor shared things with me that I knew only God could have shown him as he had not had enough time to get to know me that well yet.  He let me know that it is not selfish for us to put ourselves first sometimes and that we need to be sure to take care of ourselves, or how can we possibly think we can help others or be there for them.  After that meeting I then found a wonderful lady in my church to begin to meet with and talk and begin to walk through the mess that had been the baggage I had been caring for 30 some years and just kept getting heavier.  It was amazing to me how when I looked at things that I had experienced through someone elses eyes, there was a different side to things and perhaps people did not mean the hurt I thought, or even know how much they had hurt me.  Of course when I got hurt I never told anyone or did anything to make it better, I always just stuffed it deep in me to rise up every time in the future I was hurt again.  I had carried some hurts since I was a child and still had not forgiven or forgotten them.  It was amazing as I sit down one night to write a letter to the  person in my life I had felt had hurt me most and let me down most even though they probably had no idea.  I wrote down each thing I was hurt by and angry over and said I forgive them for it.  The tears flowed that day like never before and I began to feel a burden be lifted.  I realized that the other person could not fix the problem because I had never let them know there was one and that I had to forgive and let the hurt go, before God could heal me.  It is amazing how last March I was ready to possibly no longer have a relationship with this person but now in just 10 months, God has healed my broken heart, showed me a different side of the person and the situations and helped me to forgive and try again.  I now enjoy spending time with this person and can say I love them very much and am glad God knows best how to fix things in our lives, even if we don't understand or like it at first.  I have not enjoyed all the years of hurt, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and rage I have carried, it has hurt me, it has hurt others around me and has affected how I look at and trust others, but all those years of mess, God can make better in just a few months.  I am now a new person and the burden has been lifted, I feel I have my joy back and that I can love others more honestly now.  I no longer live my life to please others, I live my life to please God and to do what I feel is best for me and that He is telling me to do.  Yes I have changed and not everyone likes the new changes, but I am true to me and my feelings now and honest with others and feel I can receive and give love more freely.  This amazing emotionally healing God did, is what allowed me to have the faith and courage to do what needed to be done to save my life and get me physically healthy again, I could never have done this with out the emotionally healing first.  As 2012 started I am looking forward to the doors God is opening for me to serve Him and help others and ways I can share His love with others and show them how much God loves us because He will always be there for us and loves us enough to do what is best for us even if it is not the easy way.  I know that as I face each day now it will be ok

Moving Forward

Well 2011 has ended and it is time to move forward into a new year full of new changes, new adventures, new goals and new accomplishments, but first let's review some of the great things that happened last year.  Last year started out rather dark and dismal for me, I was physically unhealthy, with a lot of sickness and seemed to be spending more and more time at the doctor and laid up.  I was at an age where it was going to be the beginning of more major health issues if I did not make some changes, I was also at a point where emotionally I just felt like I was drowning and could not go on one more day.  I was so depressed and did not care and so tired of trying to be the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  Spiritually I was not growing, I was becoming stagnant and started to question just what my faith and God meant to me, which if you know me is not normal for me to think.  Then God started doing great things.  I meet with the pastor at church and another lady, who has become a great friend and started talking about the issues that were causing my emotionally downness.  I started making changes and dealing with these issues and God did some amazing healing.  From March of last year to December were amazing changes, I let go of unforgiveness, quit trying to please others all the time, learned to put myself first sometimes and changed how I look at things and especially how I look at me.  God healed several relationships that were on the verge of being over and are now much better.  I learned to share how I feel with those that matter most to me because keeping things all bottled up are not healthy.  I learned it is ok to be who God made me to be even if that makes me quite different, in fact that is who God expects me to be and when I am that person I am very happy.  Emotionally 2011 went out on a high note and I am looking forward to seeing what 2012 holds for me in this area and for ways to use what I have learned to help others in 2012.  Physically, I was faced with a big decision, it was time to do something about my weight as it was taking a toll on my body and I felt killing me slowly day by day.  Now don't hear me wrong, I am not saying that is the case for all people who are overweight and I strongly feel that each persons battle with their weight is their own and people can support them but not force them to make changes and that people should never treat them badly because of it, being overweight is a tough battle to fight daily and I love and support any person going through that tough fight and hope that my story can possibly be a inspiration to them.  My doctor thought I was having a heart attack in April of 2011, I could not breathe and had chest pains often, we checked my heart out and all tests said things were good, but with the bad heart family history, my doctor said it was only a matter of time most likely especially with my other health issues until, I faced the same problem.  So with the help and support of my lovely family and close friends and my prayer warrior friends, I decided to pursue a major drastic change and started the journey to weight loss through bariatric surgery.  In the last three months of 2011 I have lost 99 pounds since surgery for a total of 126 since I started this journey.  I have gone down 2 sizes and best of all I feel so much better and am so much healthier than I was before.  Spriritually God started challenging me to grown the last few months and I am working on starting some new routines and disciplines to help me with this in 2012.  I want to be more positive and less negative, more loving, more helpful and share with others all God has done for me so that they will see He can do that for them to.  I look forward to the many adventures, changes and opportunities God brings my way in 2012.  One last thought, many of you may have realized that I channged the blog title, some people suggested I needed to so I could share about all my life changes not just my over weight life and I agree, I hope that maybe my journey can be a help and inspiration to others.  God bless you all in 2012.

Next Phase of the Journey

As I sit here typing this, thinking of all the things that being overweight has gotten in the way of or made hard for me over the years.  Thinking how I have not gone to certain events because I could not sit in the chairs and how I don't go to some places to eat because they only have booths.  I have not been able to walk and play sports like I once did and would like to, but most of all the toll it has taken on my health.  At 42 I am not able to do as much as some 70 year olds, I have constant struggles with cellulitis causing others to have to take care of me.  I have missed out on many opportunities over the years but no more.  Tomorrow I will be having bariartic surgery and then will start the next phase of the new me and a healthier me.  In the last 4 months I have been exercising and making changes that are healthier and have already seen many improvements.  Starting tomorrow will be the next big step to be a new healthier me by next summer.  I want anyone reading this to know one thing, I am not having surgery to help me lose weight because I want to look pretty or be skinny or because I think there is something wrong with heavy people.  I am doing it solely because at this point in my life the weight has begun to cause my body problems and made me very unhealthy and I have a lot to live for so I want to do what ever I can to be sure I am still here in 10, 20 even 30 years.  I don't need to lose weight to be pretty because I am already that, but I do need to lose it so I can be healthy.  If you are overweight I encourage you to move and be as active as you can, so you can be healthy and if you get to the point you can tell you are not healthy or are starting to slip that way, then seek out what things you can do to help change that, for each person that could be different things.  Life changing decisions like this have to be made by the person needing the life change and can't be pushed onto them by others.  So if you know someone who is overweight and you think they need to lose weight, don't gripe or nag them about it, they know it too, just love them and encourage and support them in whatever they do to try to get healthier.  Tonight I go to bed overweight and unhealthy physically, tomorrow I will start the journey to lose weight and be healthier physically.  My journey first had to start with me getting healthy emotionally, now God has put all the pieces together and soon we will see the new masterpiece he is working on. 

5 weeks and counting

Well surgery has been scheduled and I am on my way.  I am walking and trying to get as much exercise as possible.  I am making healthier eating choices and gearing up for the big changes ahead.  I will be having surgery Sept 9 and then will start the real journey to a new me.  I will make hard changes so that I can be a healthier me.  I want to lose weight but not so that I can be skinny or for how I will look, I want to be healthy enough to enjoy life again.  I want to be able to walk and play tennis and softball again and not get short of breath and have sore legs.  I want to be able to not wear compression stockings and to not have to take medicines.  Most of all I want to be around for a long time to enjoy my family and friends.  I look forward to all the new clothes I will be able to get and all the things I will be able to do again and some things I will be able to try for the first time.  I am praying that as I do my part God will multiple that so that a new me will emerge, physically, emotionally and spiritually, a new and improved me.  I hope that my journey can be an encouragement and inspiration to others who struggle with weight issues, they are no fun and people who have not weighed 400+ pounds can not begin to understand the everyday struggles we face.  I will keep you all posted as I walk this path and thank you for your support.